Can I bask in fresh rains, float with the clouds and enjoy music?
I have travelled through my life, with a lot of verve, energy, passion and at times worked at break-neck speed. This is with reference to how others saw it. In my case, I was trying to do ‘something’ all these years. I have started asking this question now to myself, what was I seeking? All of us, are a victim of our own upbringing. Our insecurities get transplanted inadvertently through our parents into us and we start living that life, a life that is not completely our own.
So, we do not lead our life, but one that is transplanted. Education gives us courage to think independently. The same well-meaning parents, who have passed on their insecurities onto us, put us in a good school and college so that we do well in life. A good school helps building up confidence a lot. You are surrounded by confident boys and girls, confident teachers and there is a huge learning. This is a second transplantation, which happens. If you miss out on a good school, your insecurities stay in your system. You would have to deal with it later in life.
In my case, I was lucky to start performing in my work life very early. Got a number of breaks, and I started taking more risks. I was enjoying the unpredictable. I could allow my mind to fly, as the environment in HCL allowed me to do so, and I grew instantly. But then, so did my risk taking instinct and the expectations on me.
When I got on to my own completely, I was by then trying to deal with the myth which surrounded me. So, on one side I had the passion and the creative instincts to pursue my convictions, on the other I had to respond to the enormous challenges that I had imbibed from my value system to deliver and live as per set norms. There were huge contradictions in them. But I was driven to perform. So, perhaps I did what was almost impossible to do. I took in the contradictions through my mind and body and the physiological system had to deal with it. Society continued to see me perform, I continued to be revered, respected and valued because of the fresh ideas and creative dimensions I brought in.
But in the midst of all this, came the news of the impending damage I had caused to my body and the metabolic system. The contradictions took a toll and I needed to fix my system clinically, to be ready to fight again. It did bring in a very vital question in my mind. Why am I doing, what I am doing? Why do I have to respond to the expectations all the time? Whom am I doing this for? Haven’t I already given to the society enough to digest, absorb and assimilate?
So, now, with the so-called success in the corporate world which I have undoubtedly achieved, my inner self questions me continuously, that is it time for me, to let go and bask in the glory of fresh rains, floating clouds and soothing music, and live in that serene calmness for the rest of my life? Can I do that? That is the question in the minds of my 1000s of my well-wishers. They all want me to do that, as they all care for me, but it is up to me to change, they say.
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